The GQ Guide to Online Dating, GQ

The GQ Guide to Online Dating, GQ

It’s eventually acceptable to find a gf (or at least a one-night stand) on the Internet. Here are the fresh rules, featuring the bachelors from Workaholics

You could cast a broad net and sign up for every single dating site. Or you could go after our flowchart and find the one designed to pair you with the woman (or man, or costume-wearing hook-up gimp) of your desires.—,Andrew Richdale

It&apos,s a little weird at very first, trusting a computer algorithm to pair you off. But three weeks (and six dates) from now, you&apos,ll realize that online dating is, for better and worse, just like regular dating—,and not, sadly, like ordering a pizza online.

The Dude Who&apos,s Allergic to Shirts

About him: Just a normal stud who sleeps naked and believes the Paleo Diet is ",the greatest invention ever since myself. Haha, jk ,)",

Says he&apos,s looking for: ",A lady who&apos,s into sports and being fit.",

Is actually looking for: C cups or thicker.

Says he can&apos,t live without: ",Cookies &apos,n Juices Promax bars, endorphins, music where the bass drops. ",

The very first thing people notice about him: ",It&apos,s so weird—,people ALWAYS tell me I look like Jake Gyllenhaal, but I don&apos,t see it. You?",

Says his defining trait is: ",Loyalty.",

His actual defining trait: Calls everyone ",Son.",

Says his deepest fear is: ",Sharks. ",

His actual deepest fear: Seeming gay.

You might be him if: You&apos,ve practiced making your pecs bounce.

The Feeler of Feelings

About him: ",I&apos,m a dreamer, plain and plain.",

Says he&apos,s looking for: ",My muse, my Helen of Troy. A woman who wants to stay up all night smoking Gauloises and talking about Keats.",

Is actually looking for: A woman who will listen to him talk all night. While listening to music. That he wrote. About his ex, Heather.

Says he can&apos,t live without: ",My guitar, summer-weight scarves, Jeff Buckley&apos,s last album, my demons.",

His very first message: A 1,200-word letter noting his darkest fears (",dying alone",) and why he hates Starbucks (",cocky baristas",).

You might be him if: ",This is embarrassing, but I sobbed during The Vow", emerges in your profile.

Captain Tryhard

About him: ",I&apos,m not like all those uptight douches with their snoozy banker jobs and lame date plans.",

Says he&apos,s looking for: ",No more boring chicks!",

Is actually looking for: Anyone.

Says his motto is: ",I work hard so I can play hard.",

What he actually means: ",I spend Friday nights doing vodka shots and watching porn until I pass out.",

His very first message: ",You into mavericks?",

His dirty secret: He&apos,s a banker.

You might be him if: You&apos,ve ever done a magic trick at a bar.

The Couch-Crasher

Career: ",Presently underemployed. Like, WAY underemployed.",Says he&apos,s looking for: ",A chill dame who likes watching movies and laying low.",

Is actually looking for: A chill chick who likes watching movies and laying low. And who looks like Kate Upton.

Beloved movies and TV shows: Harold Kumar, Smurfs 3D, David the Gnome, Yo Gabba Gabba!, Cops, The Price Is Right. [Ed note: Remaining 193 redacted for space.]

You might be him if: You&apos,re reading this and thinking, ",Whoaaaaaaa, man! That&apos,s totally ME!", right now.

  1. Choose a Name (You Can Do Better Than ",Dave Nutz69",)

You can and should be a nice, funny stud when online dating. Just don&apos,t be NiceGuyRandy22 or ComicMitch37._ Showcase, don&apos,t tell_, as a brothel madam maybe said once.

Also, there&apos,s a specific place for you to talk up your hobbies, and it&apos,s not your treat, ILikeSexnSoccer. Wouldn&apos,t this same sentiment—,",I love playing soccer in the park, and an active hookup life is significant to me",—,sound less caveman-ish in your actual profile?

A good bet? Your initials and a duo of numbers. Like: JPL64. It&apos,s boring, but dating-site treats aren&apos,t eligible for the Pulitzer. (And if they were, DingDong 9InchWong would take it every year.) All a username has to convey is ",I&apos,m not crazy.", Your profile can take it from there.—,Lauren Bans

  1. Say It With Us: No More Bathroom Selfies

Advice from GQ photographer Eric Ray Davidson and Hollywood stylist Ilaria Urbinati on how not to botch profile shots.

1. No Mirrors Permitted

Davidson: ",A selfie with your dog in the park might work—,you look like a real person. Otherwise, it&apos,s hard to take a self-portrait, especially in the mirror, without looking like a vain asshole.",

Two. Up Close-ish and Private

Davidson: ",People need to see your face, but shooting up close with a wide-angle lens makes your nose look fatter. Have whoever&apos,s shooting step back just enough to get a three-fourths shot of your figure.",

Trio. You Want to Go Gray

Urbinati: ",White can wash out in photos, so if you&apos,re in form, a plain well-fitting squad tee or Henley in gray is flattering and effortless. To look more put together, attempt dark jeans, a slim-collar T-shirt, and a well-tailored suit jacket in gray—,it reads more casual than black, less preppy than navy.",

Four. When All Else Fails, Raid Facebook

Davidson: ",If your pals are on Facebook or Instagram, there&apos,s most likely some photos of you on there that you like, and you won&apos,t look as if you&apos,re posing or attempting too hard.",

  1. Just Be Yourself(-ish): The Art of the Profile

Displaying your guts by completing questions like ",On a typical Friday night I am. ", and ",I&apos,m truly good at. ", will make you feel self-conscious and absurd—, and that&apos,s normal. Loosen, don&apos,t overthink it, and reminisce that what you&apos,re putting up is the equivalent of first-date banter. The process is a mild inconvenience, not a confession or a trap, so just chalk it up to the cost of being proactive. Be fair and succinct when describing yourself. This sounds like some type of Yoda koan, but attempt to talk about what you like, not what you&apos,re like. Don&apos,t call yourself any of the following: witty, ambitious, down-to-earth, or modest. Mention a few TV shows, movies, bands, and books you love, but take it effortless on the esoteric poetry, eight-year-old Bay Area rap lyrics, and the word I. See, your profile isn&apos,t meant to make a stranger fall in love with you. Once you&apos,re sitting in front of her with the less-than- 15-percent hair loss that she&apos,s handicapped your photo for, then you can truly get to know each other—,as two hormone-leaking, masochistic adults who want so badly to be in love again._—,Mary H.K. Choi _

  1. Or Disregard All of That

You want to say you&apos,re an oenophile or fluent in Klingon? Go for it. The beauty of online dating is that it&apos,s stocked with people on the completes of the bell curve—,the kind you&apos,d never find normally. So let your crank/geek/pedantic-wine-lover flag fly.

  1. Investigate Up: A Field Guide to the Weird Women You&apos,ll Find Online
The Woman with a Crazy Life (That&apos,s So CRAZY!)

",My life is CRAZY. I have AMAZING friends who love to ski and drink too much Chablis! I have a CRAZY job and travel ALL THE TIME: Little Rock, Reno, Raleigh. You name it, I&apos,ve been there! Sometimes I think I should slow down, because I just wanna live in the moment. Can YOU be that special speed bump?",

The Sexy Headmistress

",I&apos,m an ambitious 36-year-old with a high-profile job. I run marathons on Saturdays and triathlons on Sundays. I very much live in the moment. Can you treat me? Sorry, couch potatoes and guys making less than $276K. DON&apos,T WASTE MY TIME.",

The Meta-Profile Dame

",Here goes nothing: I&apos,m a 29-year-old gal who just moved from Boston. I have a job that deep-throats, but I won&apos,t bitch about it too much. (Okay, maybe I will.) I&apos,d like to tell you I string up slide and build soup kitchens in Haiti, but last Saturday I got toasted at home and observed an entire season of_ Gossip Girl_. I guess that&apos,s me &apos,living in the moment.&apos, God, I&apos,m such a dork.",

The Poetess

",Why do we connect? What causes solitary beings to want so despairingly to be close to one another? Perhaps love is another form of gravity, a cosmic force bringing us together whether we like it or not. To submit to it is to live in the moment. My name is Paulette. I love tandem bicycle rails.",

The Thesaurus

",How would I describe myself? Brainy, funny, driven, intelligent, athletic, inquisitive, loyal (SO loyal), fabulous, organized, a bit nerdy, living in the moment, caring, spiritual, open-minded, sometimes stubborn, and above all else, joy! I am a questioner, a daughter, a sister, a sinner, a saint, a sultry paramour—, a bit of everything! I think that about covers it.",

The ",Possibly Foreign, Possibly a Spam Profile", Woman

",Hello I am funs human from Romania. I budge here four years ago and make many good friend but not find special paramour. Could YOU be paramour? I have two daughter and they need wood for fire. I LIVE IN MOMENT.",_—,Drew Magary _

  1. Make Your Budge

No pressure, but that very first message is as do-or-die as it gets in online dating. We asked Grant Langston, senior director at eHarmony, for a few guidelines to keep her from clicking delete. Very first, he says, be brief—, two paragraphs, tops. And be the right kind of funny. ",We&apos,ve found that subtle self-deprecation works superb,", says Langston, ",and that a joke works out terribly.", Mention a common interest from her profile—,we both like skiing!—,but save the anecdotes for your very first date. Which, lastly, is your job to set up. ",The thickest complaint we get from women is that guys don&apos,t pull the trigger and ask them out,", Langston explains. You can&apos,t woo her via letter, so grow a pair. The worst that could happen is she says no and your crippling insecurities send you into a tailspin of drugs and despair._—,Andrew Richdale _

  1. . And Don&apos,t Make It a Pervy Budge

It&apos,s counterintuitive, but mentioning a woman&apos,s looks in your very first e-mail comes off as creepy—,like you&apos,ve embarked fapping. Compliment her ironic Kanye shades, sure—, just not any part of her actual figure._—,Julianne Smolinski _

  1. Disable the Instant Talk Function

You want to suck the air out of a potential very first date? Gargle through all your conversation topics beforehand with an hours-long emoticon-filled talk session. Besides, no lady has ever been swept off her feet by a pop-up box that says ",Yo.",

  1. Always Have That Exit Strategy

Let&apos,s be fair: Online dating is a numbers game, and the majority of people you come across aren&apos,t going to work out for one reason or another. Here&apos,s your getaway plan for every step along the way.

Escaping. the very first message: It seems dickish, but if you know you won&apos,t jibe with someone who messages you, just click delete. The alternatives—, brutal honesty or the soft letdown—,only nibble more and waste your time. Besides: Effortless rejection is one of online dating&apos,s fine achievements.

Escaping. a bad very first date: Dinner is too much of a time commitment and coffee is for work associates, so you&apos,re asking her to have a drink with you. That way, you can order a 2nd round (she&apos,s cool) or feign exhaustion after your very first Negroni (she asks if you truly believe in that entire Holocaust thing).

Escaping. the unwanted 2nd date: You were bored, but she&apos,s glutton for round two. Don&apos,t just overlook her message—,text her and explain directly (but gently) that it just didn&apos,t click for you. Hell, you can use those words exactly._—,A.R. _

  1. It&apos,s a Website, Not a Buffet

For years, friends told me that online dating is the best thing to happen to casual lovemaking since the Pill and the best matchmaker since Mama. When I eventually logged on, I found out that they were right: It&apos,s all of that. And too damn much of that. The number of profiles I could scroll through was terrific. It was a Entire Foods of my own sexual imagination—,and I was shopping on an empty tummy. I&apos,d end up on five or six dates in a week, sometimes scheduling Saturday brunch and dinner dates like a football player doing two-a-days to get in form. What would Pavlov say about a machine that lets you click a button and in come back you might get the love of your life or a night of excellent hook-up? It&apos,s hard to stop pressing that button. Sure, I had some apocalyptically bad dates, but most were a blast. And then I began to hear it: that rote, robotic tone in my voice as I told that hysterical anecdote about the road journey to Nevada. For the twentieth time. The sheer mathematical volume was turning me into an asshole. I embarked watching women and watching patterns instead of people: Why do they always talk about yoga? I got weakened by friendly curiosity: If you ask another question about my job, I&apos,ll scream. So I made a rule for myself: two dates a week, tops. And I&apos,m retiring the Nevada story.—,Logan Hill

  1. Recall to, You Know, Have Joy

Not to get all Louis C.K. here, but online dating is some radically underrated, the-future-is-now stuff. You&apos,re sifting through hundreds of women that have been chosen for you by a computer, then e-mailing them seconds later to set up a date. Best-case screenplay, you get a gf. Worst-case script, you get a few crazy stories—,",Yeah, she actually said, &apos,Gobble my donkey&apos, ",—,that make you the most interesting man at the bar. So ease off and love yourself. Oh, and go effortless on the dick pics.

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